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“You have arrived at this page because somewhere deep inside you — beneath the scar tissue, beneath the decades of disappointment, beneath the coaching carousels and the missed field goals and the trades that looked good in April — there is a fan who still believes. We salute you.”

What You Actually Get

Fuller content of the day’s top stories — for all 32 NFL teams, every single day.

Free subscribers see the front page headlines and teasers, team by team. All-Access subscribers get the full articles — every story, complete, delivered to your inbox every day, for every NFL team in the network, not just this one. Same articles. Just longer. Fuller. The whole thing. No “keep reading.”

Plus Seven Weeks of Bonus Content.
One Per Week. Every Cycle. Every Team.

Every All-Access subscriber gets one bonus content piece per week, every week, rotating through all seven formats — and it is not limited to one team. Your subscription unlocks the full Bonus Content library across all 32 NFL team sites in the network. Here is exactly what that looks like on the Bears page specifically — the full thing, live, right here, so you know exactly what you are getting before you spend a single dime.

Week One — You Get This
Real Fake Trivia Game

A full Jeopardy-style board built entirely around your team’s history, lore, disasters, and occasional moments of glory. Four categories. Five clues each. $200 through $1,000. The $1,000 questions are genuinely hard. We verified every fact. We are not kidding about that part. Click on any one of the boxes and start the game!

The Staley Ledger Sweetness & the Shuffle The Ben Johnson Reset The Packers Problem
$200$200$200$200
$400$400$400$400
$600$600$600$600
$800$800$800$800
$1,000$1,000$1,000$1,000

That’s Week One. Next week you get this →

Week Two — You Get This
Classified Ads

Nine satirical classified ads, three columns, all team-specific. FOR SALE. WANTED. LOST & FOUND. HELP WANTED. ANNOUNCEMENT. NOTICE. PERSONALS. OBITUARIES. The CONTACT line is always the punchline. Always.

For Sale

Fifteen Years of Playoff Futility — 2010 Through 2024, Fully Concluded

The Bears did not win a playoff game from 2010 to 2024. B. Johnson arrived in 2025, won the NFC North, and won a playoff game in his first season — the first Bears coach to do so in franchise history. The fifteen-year drought has been officially filed as concluded. The filing was celebrated. The celebration was warranted.

ContactDa Bears Faithful. They waited fifteen years. They are very happy it is over. They are ready for more.
Wanted

Caleb Williams at 65% Completion — The Arm Is There, the Accuracy Is the Project

Williams threw for 3,942 yards and a 27:7 TD-to-interception ratio in 2025. He completed 58.1% of his passes. Tom Brady called one of his throws the best of the NFL season. B. Johnson has identified completion percentage as the primary area of development for 2026. The arm is not the concern. It has never been the concern.

ContactB. Johnson. He wants better route detail, better ball location, and a higher completion rate. C. Williams was present at the owners meetings. He has his notebook.
Lost & Found

Found: A Franchise Quarterback — C. Williams, Year Three, Finally Confirmed

The Bears drafted C. Williams first overall in 2024. His rookie season was difficult — 5–12, fired coach. B. Johnson arrived, Williams threw for 3,942 yards, the Bears went 11–6 and won the NFC North. The search that has consumed this franchise for decades has been resolved. The resolution has a name.

ContactC. Williams. He has the notebook. He soaks in information. He is working on the completion rate. He is very excited about B. Johnson.
Help Wanted

Consistent Pass Rush — Defense Must Generate Pressure Without Relying on Wins Alone

The Bears won seven games in 2025 in which they trailed in the final two minutes. This statistic also suggests the defense was trailing in seven games. B. Johnson has identified pass rush consistency as the key development area for 2026. The offense scored 441 points in 2025, third-most in franchise history.

ContactB. Johnson. He said there is no building off 2025. He said they go back to square one. He said this two days after the playoff loss. He meant it.
Announcement

Official Statement: The Bears Are the Defending NFC North Champions and Going Back to Square One

The Chicago Bears announce that they are the defending NFC North champions. They also announce that B. Johnson declared they are going back to square one two days after the season ended. Both of these statements are simultaneously true. B. Johnson considers this the correct approach.

ContactB. Johnson. He is defending NFC North champion. He is starting from scratch. He is doing both at once. He is 40 years old and a first-year head coach who won the NFC North.
For Sale
Sold

Three Consecutive Last-Place Finishes — 2022, 2023, 2024, Packaged Deal

Available as a historical artifact: three consecutive NFC North cellar finishes, each producing a top draft pick and zero postseason appearances. The three-year package produced C. Williams at No. 1 overall and the hiring of B. Johnson. Both outcomes are now considered satisfactory.

ContactThe draft process. It produced C. Williams. It produced B. Johnson’s opportunity. It is considered a successful process in retrospect.
Notice

Attn: NFC North — We Won It Last Year and We Are Starting From Scratch to Win It Again

The Chicago Bears formally notify the NFC North that they are the defending division champions. They further notify the division that B. Johnson has declared a full reset for 2026, which the Bears consider the most threatening possible approach. The Lions have Goff and Campbell. The Packers have Love and a schematic rebuild.

ContactSoldier Field. It has seen a lot of Bears football. It has not seen a lot of winning Bears football. It is seeing it now. It is pleased.
Personals

Seeking: A Super Bowl — We Have the Coach, the Quarterback, and Fifteen Years of Stored Patience

Da Bears Faithful, lifelong, Chicago and the world over. Have watched fifteen years without a playoff win. Have watched three last-place finishes produce C. Williams and B. Johnson. Have watched a miraculous 11–6 NFC North title season and a playoff win. Have never watched a Super Bowl win since 1985.

ContactDa Bears Faithful. They filled Soldier Field through the dark years. They are louder now. They have C. Williams. They have B. Johnson. They are going.
Obituaries

The 2025 Chicago Bears Season — Record 11–6, First Playoff Win Since 2010, Passed in January

Passed in January 2026, following a divisional-round loss to the Los Angeles Rams. It went 11–6. It won the NFC North. It produced the first Bears playoff win since 2010. It is survived by C. Williams, B. Johnson, and a full reset that B. Johnson announced two days after the funeral.

ContactB. Johnson. He announced the reset two days after the season. He is already building 2026. He does not dwell. Da Bears Faithful have confirmed this is exactly what they wanted.

That’s Week Two. The week after that you get this →

Week Three — You Get This
Top Ten List

A full team-specific Top Ten list. Completely deadpan. Treats every item with total journalistic seriousness. The list below is a sample. Yours will be specific to your team’s particular situation, history, and ongoing triumphs and disasters.

Top Ten Things You Can Buy for $24 at Soldier Field
  • 10.One domestic beer, purchased somewhere between two mismatched sides of a stadium renovated exactly once.
  • 9.Parking, a genuine hike, made slightly warmer by fifteen years of pent-up playoff joy.
  • 8.A Caleb Williams notebook replica, ready for note-taking, completion percentage not guaranteed.
  • 7.A Ben Johnson play sheet, laminated, allegedly contains the phrase “throw it past the sticks.”
  • 6.Half a Chicago-style hot dog, the other half reserved for whichever pass rusher finally shows up consistently.
  • 5.One frost-covered scarf, navy and orange, tested in conditions no sane person should be outside in.
  • 4.A commemorative “square one” plaque, engraved two days after the playoff win, per B. Johnson’s request.
  • 3.A Soldier Field snow globe, permanently mid-blizzard, historically accurate.
  • 2.Four months of this subscription. Which includes 16 pieces of premium satirical content, a trivia game, classified ads, a children's book, and a staff that has covered fifteen years of playoff futility and the exact week it ended.
  • 1.Hope, sold at the gate, navy and orange, first restocked in 2025 after a long supply chain issue.

    • That’s Week Three. Week Four brings this →

    Week Four — You Get This
    Fake eBay Listing

    Seven team-specific fake eBay listings, ready to go every cycle, styled exactly like the real site — photo, description, seller, and current bid. The items are always something your team has misplaced, squandered, or never possessed. Reserve has not been met, and never may be met.

    Vintage Helmet — SCUFFED, ‘The Monsters’
    Seller: halas_hall_antiques
    Condition: Historically Significant
    A classic navy blue helmet with the orange C. It is scuffed from a time when the defense scored more points than the offense. It smells faintly of cigars and deep-dish pizza. It is a reminder of what once was.
    $1,985
    current bid
    Goalpost Upright — DENTED, ‘The Double Doink’
    Seller: soldier_field_maintenance
    Condition: Philosophically Compromised
    A piece of yellow metal goalpost upright. It has a very noticeable dent exactly 43 yards away from the kicking spot. If you listen closely, you can still hear the sound. Doink. Doink. It will haunt your living room forever.
    $43
    current bid
    Ben Johnson’s Playbook — COMPLEX, ‘The Forward Pass’
    Seller: offensive_innovation_inc
    Condition: Cautiously Optimistic
    A brand new offensive playbook belonging to Head Coach Ben Johnson. It contains concepts that have never been seen in this city before, such as ‘throwing the ball past the line of scrimmage on third down.’ It is terrifying and beautiful.
    $4,000
    current bid
    Frozen Clock — STUCK, ‘The Thanksgiving Collapse’
    Seller: eberflus_estate_sales
    Condition: Structurally Unsound
    A clock that is permanently frozen at the exact moment of a disastrous Thanksgiving game collapse. The glass is cracked. The hands will not move. It represents a locker room that was completely and utterly lost.
    $4.80
    current bid
    Quarterback Display Case — EMPTY, ‘The Wait’
    Seller: michigan_avenue_glass
    Condition: Historically Haunted
    A beautiful, custom-built mahogany and glass display case intended for a 4,000-yard passer. It has been empty since the forward pass was invented. It gathers dust perfectly. We are hoping Caleb can finally put something in it.
    $10
    current bid
    Draft Card #1 — PRISTINE, ‘The Savior’
    Seller: poles_masterclass
    Condition: Excellent
    A pristine draft card with the number 1 on it. It glows with an almost supernatural light. It represents the selection of Caleb Williams. It represents hope. Please do not let us ruin this one. We cannot take it anymore.
    $1,800
    current bid
    Winter Coat — FROZEN SOLID, ‘Bear Weather’
    Seller: section_238_survivor
    Condition: Enduringly Loyal
    A vintage navy blue winter coat with orange accents. It is completely covered in a thick layer of frost and ice. It has been worn in freezing temperatures for decades while watching terrible offenses. It is heavier than it looks.
    $34
    current bid

    That’s Week Four. Then comes this →

    Week Five — You Get This
    The Outer Limits Enquirer

    One team-specific Outer Limits Enquirer front page, every cycle. Completely straight-faced. It sells itself — that’s how funny it is.

    ■ Transmission Received — Parallel Universe Dispatch ■
    Outer Limits Enquirer — Bears edition front page
    Signal Strong — Standing By

    That’s Week Five. Week Six delivers this →

    Week Six — You Get This
    NFL Competition Committee Proposes

    Four new proposed NFL rules, each presented with complete regulatory seriousness. The title is always “THE NFL COMPETITION COMMITTEE PROPOSES:” followed by the rule name. Three to five sentences of deadpan satire. A new batch of four rules, every seven-week cycle.

    Official Proposal 1 of 4 — NFL Competition Committee — 2026 Season

    The NFL Competition Committee Proposes:
    The Feelings Rule

    Effective immediately, any player who is visibly sad after a penalty will be allowed to challenge the call on emotional grounds. The replay official will review the player’s expression in slow motion. If certified “genuinely devastated” by a panel of three therapists stationed in the press box, the penalty is waived. The Dallas Cowboys have already filed 847 pre-season challenges.

    Official Proposal 2 of 4 — NFL Competition Committee — 2026 Season

    The NFL Competition Committee Proposes:
    Mandatory Honesty From Coaches

    Starting in 2026, head coaches will be required to answer one post-game question with complete honesty. The question will be selected at random by a wheel spin. Early testing was abandoned after three coaches resigned, one cried, and Bill Belichick’s honest answer was legally classified as a threat.

    Official Proposal 3 of 4 — NFL Competition Committee — 2026 Season

    The NFL Competition Committee Proposes:
    The Participation Fumble

    In an effort to make fumbles less discouraging, any fumble recovered by the opposing team will now be referred to as an “unintentional lateral.” The player who fumbled will receive a certificate of effort. The team that recovered it will receive six points. Both outcomes will be celebrated equally on the official broadcast.

    Official Proposal 4 of 4 — NFL Competition Committee — 2026 Season

    The NFL Competition Committee Proposes:
    Announcer Accuracy Ratings

    All play-by-play announcers will now be graded in real time by a panel of former players. Phrases such as “he just wanted it more,” “that’s a football player right there,” and “you cannot teach that” will trigger an automatic fine of $500 per occurrence. Early projections suggest the league will be debt-free by Week 3.

    That’s Week Six. And saving the best for last →

    Week Seven — You Get This
    The Children’s Book
    A Landolfi Media Original

    A fully illustrated satirical children’s book, team-specific, written for the fan who has a child who needs to understand why Sunday afternoons are like this. The illustrations are beautiful. The subject matter is not. Both things are intentional.

    Your Team’s Complete Illustrated History — Included With Every Subscription
    “Chicago, 1920”
    The Story of the Chicago Bears — Read the Full Book Below, Cover to Last Page
    Chicago, 1920 — page viewer
    Chicago, 1920
    The Story of the Chicago Bears.
    A Landolfi Media Children’s Book.
    Page 1 of 11
    Complete Illustrated History · Cover + 10 Pages · Included With Paid Subscription

    In the upcoming weeks and months with your paid subscription, you can also look forward to titles like these:

    Also In Development — Next Release
    “Why Does Daddy Cry On Sundays?”
    A heartwarming story about a father, his team, and the annual tradition of explaining to a seven-year-old why the season is technically over in Week Eleven. Daddy is going to be okay. He has been through this before. He loves his team. That is the whole story.
    In Development · Fully Illustrated · Coming Soon
    Also In Development
    “Daddy’s Team Is Very Special (Just Not At Football)”
    A celebration of everything a football team can be excellent at besides winning football games. The uniforms are nice. The stadium is large. The merchandise is widely available. A story about finding joy in the details when the scoreboard is unkind.
    In Development · Fully Illustrated · Coming Soon
    Also In Development
    “The Night We Almost Made the Playoffs”
    A timeless bedtime story about a very special evening in December when everything was possible. The math worked out. The other teams lost. The tickets were being researched. And then the fourth quarter happened. A story about hope, arithmetic, and the importance of not checking the score too early.
    In Development · Fully Illustrated · Coming Soon

    What Subscribers Are Saying

    “I read the fifteen-year drought classified out loud at a family dinner. My uncle, who lived through all fifteen years personally, needed a minute.”
    — F. Kowalski, Bridgeport · 5-Month Subscriber
    “My office pool now includes a category for ‘how many minutes into the season before someone mentions the notebook.’ This newsletter is directly responsible.”
    — Anonymous · 4-Month Subscriber
    “Forwarded the Caleb Williams completion percentage trivia to my brother-in-law, a Packers fan. He tried to change the subject. I did not let him.”
    — T. Novak, Wicker Park · 3-Month Subscriber
    “My kids think ‘square one’ is a real place now, somewhere near Halas Hall. I have not corrected them.”
    — R. Delgado, Evanston, Ill. · 6-Month Subscriber
    “Cancelled during the three straight last-place finishes out of solidarity with my own suffering. Resubscribed the day Ben Johnson was hired. No regrets.”
    — Anonymous · Auto-Renew, No Regrets
    “I keep the classifieds printed for the L train. Strangers keep asking if the notebook is real. I tell them yes.”
    — S. Bianchi, Logan Square · 7-Month Subscriber
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    All Access — Every Team
    $9/mo

    Everything in Free, plus full daily articles and one new Bonus Content drop every week on a rotating seven-week cycle — a fan trivia game, a fake eBay auction, classified ads, The Outer Limits Enquirer, a children’s book parody, a Top Ten List, and an NFL Competition Committee ruling — for all 32 NFL teams in the network, the Bears included. Plus the complete archive, for every team, from day one.

    Go All Access
    30¢

    Per Day. For Every Team. That Is All We Are Asking.

    $9 per month…just 30 cents / day. That works out to be 3 dimes exactly, or a quarter and a nickel. And it is no longer just one team — that 30 cents covers full articles and Bonus Content for all 32 NFL teams in the network. We are asking you to spend the cost of approximately nothing to have your suffering (and everyone else’s) witnessed, documented, and returned to you in a funnier format than it arrived.

    Other Things You Could Buy for 30¢
    ( If For Some Reason You Really and Truly Didn’t Want to Laugh Today )

    1. A quarter at a vending machine, with a nickel left over. That nickel is yours to keep. It is the only refund this list offers.
    2. Just under a third of a gumball from a machine that still exists somewhere in 1987.
    3. The look on someone’s face when you tell them you subscribe to a satirical NFL newsletter that covers all 32 teams. That look is free. The newsletter is 30 cents a day.
    4. A little over a third of a postage stamp. Stamps are about 80¢ now. Your 30¢ covers roughly the top third. This is not enough to mail anything to anyone. This subscription delivers considerably more — for every NFL team.
    5. About three-quarters of a birthday candle. The kind from the dollar store 10-pack. It will burn for a little over a minute. This subscription burns considerably longer, covers every NFL team, and produces significantly more joy and marginally less wax.
    6. 0.00002% of your team’s starting quarterback’s daily salary. He earns more between breakfast and the first snap than you will spend on this subscription in a year. This year that figure also covers 31 other starting quarterbacks’ teams. We thought you should know that. We are not sure why. It felt relevant.
    7. Nothing at a parking meter in any American city built after 1990. The meter will reject your 30 cents. We will not reject your 30 cents. We will give you seven weeks of content for it — for every NFL team.
    8. A shot glass of gasoline, which might be just enough to get you to an ATM to take out $9 for your first month of All-Access. The math works. The metaphor also works. Please do not drink the gasoline.

    Hey — you’ve made it this far. You’ve looked at all seven weeks of bonus content you’ll be receiving — for all 32 NFL teams, not just this one. You’ve also seen that you’ll be getting daily, full-length headline articles from the entire network — every side article, too. Obviously you love your team with a passion to have lasted this long and smiled this much.

    Yep. We can see you.

    There’s nothing left to do but spend the 30¢ / day and have this feeling — for every NFL team — last the whole year through.

    I mean really — what more is there to think about? Do you want to smile today (and every day) or not?

    “By subscribing you acknowledge that you are a fan in good standing, that you have suffered, that you will continue to suffer, and that $9 per month is a reasonable fee for having that suffering — and the suffering of 31 other NFL fanbases — witnessed and documented with the respect it deserves. Cancel anytime. Your team will not cancel anything. Neither will the other 31. They will all be here next season. And the season after that.”

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    Landolfi Media LLC · We Put The Parity In Parody · All Content Satirical · All Pain Real